Tossed by Every Wind

And this is where another difficult season began. This is also where I felt like I failed my wife. I felt like a horrible leader to her. As I listened to different teachers, I encountered many different doctrines and interpretations of Scripture. I would become convinced by one teaching, then encounter another teaching that seemed to challenge it. I would move from one doctrine to another, then from that doctrine to something else. There were so many pastors and preachers that I came across during this period. I also came across many YouTube channels and other online sources. And I want to make it clear that I don't believe that all of these pastors, preachers, and sources were inaccurate. Some of them were very trustworthy, and I genuinely learned things from them. At the end of the day, no person is infallible despite how accurate they may sound. But as I continued studying and comparing what I was hearing, there were also some teachings and teachers that I eventually came to believe were misleading. I was taking in so much information from so many different people that it became difficult for me to know what I should actually believe. I was all over the place. I even came across entirely different types of Bibles that people were selling, which weren't called the Holy Bible. That was also mind-blowing to me. I began seeing just how many different versions, interpretations, traditions, and understandings of Christianity and Scripture existed. I relied way too much on other people, sadly. I was constantly looking to someone else to tell me what was true. I was listening to sermons, watching YouTube videos, researching different teachers, comparing doctrines, and trying to figure out who had the right understanding. I went through multiple denominations and belief systems, and many times I was convinced because of the people I was listening to and the way they presented their understanding of Scripture. I was trying desperately to figure out what was actually true. And the confusion didn't stop there. While struggling with the Bible, I looked into Islam. I looked into Hinduism. And I looked into Buddhism. Thankfully, I never stayed in these deceptions for very long. Some lasted a few weeks, while others lasted a few months. Some of them heavily influenced the way I lived for a period of time, and others were things I looked into and checked out extremely quickly. Because I tied many of my ambitions and plans to whatever I was believing at the time, these different beliefs also affected my ability to stay consistent. I have always been talented at many different things, but as my beliefs changed, the direction I wanted to take those talents also changed. But I began wrestling with certain passages of Scripture. I also began wrestling with the existence of so many different Bible translations. I questioned which translations were trustworthy and why they differed. I began asking questions about the books that were included in the Bible and the books that were not. I started researching the history and origins of the collection of books we now call the Bible. The more questions I had, the more complicated everything seemed to become. My spiritual walk became incredibly hectic. There were times when I became so overwhelmed by the confusion that I stepped away from the Bible. I would leave it for a period of time, then come back to it. I would wrestle with questions, search for answers, become convinced about something, question it again, and continue going back and forth. It was exhausting.