My prayer life was also very inconsistent. I remember that I would mostly pray when things were going badly. When I was in trouble, afraid, or dealing with something I didn't know how to handle, that was when I would think about praying. When life was going well, I didn't have the same urgency to seek God. I did pray before meals and before going to bed because that was what I had been taught, but much of it was simply something I did because it was part of what I had learned growing up.
Eventually, I started praying less because I felt guilty about the fact that I seemed to only seek God when I needed something from Him. I knew there was something wrong with that, but I didn't really know how to have a genuine relationship with God.
As I grew older, I began thinking more deeply about heaven and hell. I remember thinking about them as seriously as I ever had, and I eventually started convincing myself that I was definitely going to hell. I just felt like I had done too much wrong.
At the same time, I did feel like I had a good heart toward certain people, especially people I considered to be good. I cared about them, and I genuinely wanted good things for them, but I didn't have the same love for people I disliked. Looking back, I can see that even the goodness I thought I had was limited and conditional.
There was, however, one desire that had been with me for as long as I could remember: I wanted to help people. I never liked the idea of people having lack or being in bad life circumstances.
I remember constantly thinking and telling other people that I wanted to become rich so that I could help as many people as possible with whatever they needed, and even with things they simply wanted. I wanted to have enough resources that I could take care of people and make their lives better.
I was also very talented in multiple sports, and I developed a deep passion for music production. That started after watching my uncle and father mess around with music. I was highly intrigued by how they would tweak sounds and put them together to make a track. Then later, after my dad learned how much I loved music creation, he gifted me an 88-key workstation for Christmas, and the rest was history. Everyone around me has always loved the music I created. Because of that, I always imagined that my life would eventually go in one of two directions. I either wanted to become a professional basketball player, which was probably my biggest dream, or I wanted to become a major music producer.
But my troublemaking continued. Unfortunately, those years followed me all the way up until I was eighteen, and the decisions I made during that period created consequences that had a lasting effect on the direction of my life.
